Closing the Feedback Loop
In earlier articles, I've often spoken about the supreme importance
of becoming a good listener. I've even gone as far as to suggest
that listening might be the most important communication skill of them all. It should be so simple. Yet, it's not simple. Before I explain why, let me tell you an enlightening story. Dr. Mort Orman of Stresscure.com conducted a communication seminar for a group of experienced physicians on the staff of a certain hospital. It was held on the hospital premises. One particular doctor was a rather reluctant attendee - he showed up only because his department head
had pressured him to do so. During the seminar, participants were paired up with partners,
and one member of each pair was asked to play the role of a
patient with a problem. The partner played the role of
physician or counselor. The catch was the "doctors" weren't allowed to do or say
anything. Their job was just to sit and listen, while their
"patients" described their complaints and thought aloud while
trying to work out their own solution. As Dr Orman notes (and as a veteran physician, he should
know!) to tell a doctor to just sit there and listen - without as
much as thinking of what to do - is usually asking an awful lot.
But the response of our reluctant participant took everyone by
surprise. For the first time, he really understood...At the end of the experiment, when everyone was sharing their
insights and experiences, he raised his hand and announced
with unmistakable enthusiasm: "What I learned from this
exercise is that I almost never listen to my patients! I'm
mostly paying attention to the thoughts in my own head, and I
never really appreciated this until today." Apparently, this man was so excited by this new awareness
of self that whenever there was a short break in the remaining
seminar proceedings, he would rush upstairs to practice
listening to his patients. He would sit on the bed, ask a few
questions, and then listen intently.
In fact, he was so impressed with his newly-found power - not
dawning on him that he had possessed it all along - that he
would consistently arrive late for start of the following session.
For the first time, he felt he really understood what made his
patients tick - or why they weren't ticking, depending which
way you look at it. Now, when you go out your way to try to understand how
others are feeling, how they perceive a given situation, what's
really bugging them, the process, as a rule, doesn't just
end there. Well, at least, it shouldn't. Most likely, you'll respond. You'll communicate back to the
other parties your awareness of their feelings and perceptions,
your appreciation of their hopes, doubts and fears. Before you
know it, you have created what some writers call a feedback
loop. To close a feedback loop, in short, requires validation of the
message your opposite number wants to convey to you, even
if you don't agree with it. Here's a true incident to illustrate what can happen when a
feedback loop is not closed. It's a very extreme example,
and it's very far from a pretty story. But it does give us
something to think about. During World War Two, one cattle car after another, packed
with human cargo, arrived at the Auschwitz death camp.
Terrified, naked people were driven with whips into the gas
chambers. But two young men managed to escape under a pile of
clothing that was being carted away in a truck. Even more
than the desire to save their own lives, they were motivated by
the wish to warn their fellow Jews of the incredible scenes
they had witnessed with their own eyes. Unfortunately, hardly any one believed them. The few who did
were silenced as being crazy or lacking in faith. Eventually,
both young men committed suicide. As I said, an extreme, most tragic, case. Who knows how
we would have reacted had we been the listeners? But at least we should understand the added pain of a spouse
or fellow worker who shares with us something weighing very
heavily on their minds, when we respond with a glib,
perfunctory: "Don't worry, everything will be OK!" It's like removing a chair from under their feet. Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu. com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you to improve your communication and relationship skills on all levels, in business and professional life, in the family unit, and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.
Related News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Five Ways to Sharpen Your Sense of Humor and Improve Your Relationships
Humor has long been considered one of the most effective tools to judge the quality of any relationship. If there is laughter present you can be sure the relationship is a healthy one. When the laughter ceases the relationship is on the down slide. If you want to have more fulfilling relationships you might want to consider sharpening your sense of humor as a great place to start.
October: A Month of Personal Harvest
October is hands down my favorite month. Every year l look forward to a visit to Lynd's Fruit Farm in Pataskala, Ohio. My husband and I get in the car on a crisp day and take in the leaves displaying their glorious colors as we travel the country road. Once we reach the farm, I pour through bushel baskets brimming with gourds and Indian corn, wander the pumpkin patch, and pluck ripe apples from the trees. In addition, I reflect upon the hard work that was put in months before by the Lynd's in anticipation of this one month of autumn abundance.
Recognize Desire AS Power
I just moved into my new luxurious, harborside condo, overlooking the famous Songees of Victoria, BC, Canada. Three months ago, I didn't know such a beautiful place existed and today I am living in one of the most sought-after locations in North America!
I Like to be Unreasonable
"Progress is made by only unreasonable man" -- Gorge Bernard Shaw
Law of Attraction - What You Project You Receive
Do you know anyone who always seems to have bad luck? Nothing ever goes right for them. Conversely, have you observed people who always wind up OK despite what befalls them?
Anamcara - The Blessing of Love
??The snow goose need
not bathe to make its self white
Neither need you do anything
to be yourself.?? Lao-Tse
How To Master The Art of Conversation
The art of conversation is a skill shared by most
successful people. Good conversation promotes an image of
self-confidence, intelligence, and wittiness.
The Art of Loving & Living
The joy of living is in loving. No doubt, only lovers enjoy life!
How to Manage Self Consciousness
Self consciousness is an essential part of being human, but it can make social situations really tricky sometimes. Here's what you can do about it if it happens to you.
How To Use Affirmations To Create Prosperity?
Dear Internet friend. Each human being is an incredible
piece of sowtware. Each one of us has been "programmed"
in a certain way. This program runs our lives 24 hours
a day, and will govern our entire life.
What Do You Do?
When I go out and talk to business people, I hear them talking about all the things they do from day to day. They talk about the problems they have and their frustrations with a whole variety of things they do. Invariably I find myself thinking: why do they do these things in the first place. As an extreme example, if you had your hand in a flame and it was burning, you would move it wouldn't you? So why not do something about the things that cause you stress and frustrate you?
How To Be Interesting
Most people want to be liked appreciated loved and adored but why those same people are taken as boring while they try so hard?
Coping As A Caregiver
Few people are prepared for the responsibilities and tasks involved in caring for loved ones who are ill, elderly, or disabled. The success of the relationship between you and your loved one depends on several factors. One of the most important is how well you take care of yourself, empowering yourself to be there for the person you are caring for. Let's look first at what causes the stress in such a relationship, and then we will explore some ways to care for yourself as you care for another.
Security Is An Inside Job
While I was growing up, my dad repeatedly told me that when I completing my schooling, I needed to get a good job. In fact, I should try to land some sort of good paying job, preferably one that was done indoors. This kind of inside job was his idea of security.
Your Gut Instincts & Ability to Get Along Quiz
How well do you understand how gut instincts ? yours and others - influence likeability, decision making and even attention span? Want to find out? Here are nine questions. Some answers may surprise you.
The Law of Attraction - Make it Work For You
The Law of Attraction responds to whatever vibration you are sending out into the Universe. You will receive more of what you are vibrating whether it is desired or not. This law does not decide whether what it is returning is good for you or not, it simply responds to your vibration.
The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship
He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.
The End Of The Road
Last week I was driving along one of the major highways around Toronto. I had some good music playing on my stereo and the weather was wonderful.
No Ifs, Ands Or Buts
If we could choose right now, this moment, how we would live,
Be Grateful for Gratitude
In Twelve Step meetings, it's traditional to groan when someone says, "Let's have a gratitude meeting." People don't like to talk or think about what they're grateful for. It's not in our nature. We're more tuned to what's going wrong than what's going right. We can't help it. The cave men who sat around and admired how white the teeth on the saber toothed tiger were, didn't last long enough to reproduce. The ones who realized those teeth were a bad thing are our ancestors, so to speak.
|
